I didn't eat butter for just over 10 years until two years ago, I restricted my diet in unhealthy ways, exercised vigorously and my intention was always about change. Change my shape to be loved. Change my ways go be accepted. I held a deep belief that I had to change. Years later, 2 years into my unfurling path of cracking open, I began to soften. But the wound found it's way to adapt, it went unnoticed. My need to change became one not of my physical, but of my mental state. I became fixated on fixing, healing and solving. A few months into my shamanic medicine wheel training, I began to see this. How I had wanted to heal for the collective, for my family, and how I had "so much healing to do", or so I told myself. It was so urgent and I was exhausted. Diving deep into my psyche obsessively, I had begun to become addicted to change. To having something to fix, solve and make better. Somewhere else to be, something else to strive towards. Until early spring last year, when I took part in an ancestral ceremony, and it shifted, something, whatever it was, shifted. This healing isn't for anybody else is it? I realised. These changes aren't to make me whole once again are they? The chasing had stopped. The searching became quiet. And I'd say that I grieved that emptiness and void for quite some time after that day. Until the grace of the divine shone its light in its place. I started feeling, seeing, knowing, and believing that wow, this is all a part of something more. Not that I needed to be something more, but that I am a part of it. That I was this "big something" I was waiting for, and this eagerly awaited grand defining moment was here and now. As I danced tonight, after a gorgeous afternoon with Lawrence among the trees, I cried and laughed into my biscoff, buttered white toast and blue lotus tea, remembering that ALL of this is sacred! Healthier than I have ever been, larger than I've ever been, in more ways than the physical. Aware of my wholeness, I danced to Shania twain with my inner child and we sang "ain't gonna act politically correct, we only want to have a good time" I feel deeply now, this "big something" resides at home, within me. And I intend to continue to feed, love and nourish her, no matter how wildly different she may look and be from the rest. In her wild truth.
